Saint Jude, he was at wit's end,
for he could find no sin
deplorable enough that Trump
could not own in spades, and still win.
It started in a drunken bet
he made with Old Nick, in a bar
in a little grass hut on the leeward side
of the Island of Zanzibar:
"Don't be a fool, Lucifer!"
sneered the half-crocked arch-angel Jude,
"There's the stupidest thing you've proposed!
(Not that I'm trying to be rude.)
"How could he possibly win
after all of those Mexican slurs?"
The Devil just gave a small grin.
"I'll take his side; you get hers."
The next week, the gap had narrowed.
and St. Jude went down to Hades
There was old Mister Mephistofle
waxing his midnight Mercedes.
"How did you do it? I dug up
the vilest quote of them all!
We had it right there on tape.
He should be sinking like a lead ball!"
Beezlebub just smiled,
"Double or nothing, my friend?
The elections now just in two weeks.
No telling how it's going to end."
So Jude pulled out every stop:
the taxes, the lying, the rape,
And Satan was only allowed
one small Comey slip to escape
which St. Jude then scrubbed as quickly
as the Archfiend had let it come out.
Yet to Jude's utter confusion
the ballot was deeply in doubt.
Then Jude grinned a satisfied grin
after counting each voter's true mind.
"You've lost after all, Captain Howdy."
But the Beast only smiled. "In good time.
"You have the majority, true,
But that wasn't the point of the bet.
Let us see who electors will choose."
That's when Jude started to sweat
with those of us down here below
who couldn't believe when we lost.
"I still don't see how you could know
that not one of his failings would cost
him the vote of most his base!
Where were all of the most sanctimonious?
Those who most honor our teachings?
Why'd they vote in someone so odious?"
The Devil just chuckled and said
as he collected his winnings (one billion
souls to be gainsayed as soon
as the Cheater-in-Chief and his minions
started their inevitable wars
against righteous reason and truth
not to mention the environment,
gender equality, youth…)
"Oh, Judie, you high-minded prig.
You elitist. You foolish dupe. Sad!
In two thousand years, you never
learned how the game breaks to bad.
You always place blind trust in people
to vote for the brightest and best.
You've never once stopped to consider
just what kind of terrible test
your attitude wreaks on the slower--
the ones who don't like the deck's stack.
Half a people always lean forward
and the other half always looks back.
All I have to do is make certain
that neither half honors the other.
I suppose I should keep this a secret,
but you're always so righteous… why bother?"